Lost in the 20s

I graduated college, I have a good job, I can take care of myself,

But I still feel lost and confused. 

I’m an adult on paper,

But sometimes I still feel like a naive child that doesn’t know what’s going on or what to do. 

I’ve experienced dangerous loneliness, crippling depression, frantic anxiety, and my childhood traumas peak during this time.

There are times when I feel like no one truly knows me because I’m still figuring out myself. 

Something feels unfulfilled, and missing,

But that’s okay.

It’s okay to not know what the future holds, 

But be sure to follow your intuition because it will never lead me astray. 

I have experienced much failure,

But also many, many successes.

There will be ups and downs & inconsistencies,

But my growth as a man and a humanitarian will always remain constant. 

Each day is an opportunity to gain wisdom and perspective. 

Do good for myself, but BE good to others.

And ignore the temptation to become cold and malevolent.

For kindness and empathy are the greatest traits I can ever possess.

Although I’m lost, I know I’ll find my way,

For my loving God will never forsake me.

Be patient and practice forgiveness and self-compassion. 

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

And though I’m lost, my goal is to live a life that will make my God proud of me.

Suicide...Let's Talk About It.

This blog piece is dedicated to my dear friend who took her own life last year. I decided to not use her name out of respect for her family. I think about you often, and hope you’ve finally found peace. Love you, Friend.

“People don’t fake depression, they fake being okay.”

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and it’s been time to have an honest, authentic, and uncomfortable conversation about it.

I’m writing this blog piece because someone reading this either knows someone who died due to suicide, knew someone who was depressed and/or suicidal—or may even be experiencing depression or suicidal ideation right now themselves.

If you are suicidal right now the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number is 988 or You can also get crisis text support via the Crisis Text Line by texting NAMI at 741741. But I’m happy that you’ve decided to give life a chance for another day. 

I debated for a while writing solely about suicide. Because talking about a topic like this is incredibly uncomfortable. But here are a few reasons why we must talk about it. 

Suicide is the leading cause of death for new mothers in the first year after childbirth. Suicide was the second leading cause of death for people ages 10-14 and 25-34. Research shows that 25% of American adults have considered or attempted suicide. 

But this isn’t simply about statistics--this is about life. And last November, I had a friend who died by suicide. 

We went to UGA together and shared many journalism classes. We became really good friends, and oftentimes we would just roast each other because we never knew what was going on in class. Some of her greatest qualities were that she was so accepting of others and had such an enthralling and seductive presence that when she spoke—you listened intently. 

One semester in college, I remember not seeing her in class for almost two months. She basically disappeared. But then she would randomly appear back as if nothing happened. I never asked about it, because I was just happy to see her again. 

Last August, I went to her apartment to eat dinner and watch tv shows. She expressed that her depression was worsening, and we talked about her struggles with borderline personality disorder (BPD), her family life, and how school contributed to such stress. 

And she even talked about killing herself. 

But here’s the thing…she would always joke about it. She never expressed it in a serious tone. It was almost light-hearted. I know—talking about suicide in a “light-hearted” way…how is that even possible? But that’s honestly the best way I can describe it. So it was always hard to measure how serious she was about it.

I remember seeing a bunch of pills that she had. But even then—I knew she was on different types of medications, so I didn’t think she was purposefully stockpiling to take her own life. I mean…why would you even want to think that way?

November 6, 2021, was the last day I talked to her. We agreed to get together the following weekend, and I was super excited to see her because the last time I saw her was in August. 

A few days later, I received a message from one of my former journalism professors saying, “Hey Trey, do you have time to talk?”

He told me that she passed away on November 7th. I remember being in such denial. No…I refuse to believe this. I mean…I was just talking to her. I called her phone and it kept going straight to voicemail. 

I froze. 

My body went numb with each second I didn’t hear back from her. I felt my body getting hotter and hotter as I began to sweat. I was so confused. Then I became angry. I started shaking. It felt like there were a ton of bricks on my chest as my heart started pounding. I struggled to catch my breath as if I was being suffocated. I couldn’t speak. My vision blurred and I began to cry.

My emotions went from a hostile denial—to an overwhelming, deep, devastating anguish.  

For months, I kept asking myself, “What could I have done?” I felt like I failed her as her friend. 

Then, my feelings went from shame to guilt as I began to ask myself another question: “Why didn’t she make it…but I did?”

When I had my conversations with her about suicide—it wasn’t always one-sided. I experienced depression for a while, which eventually lead to suicidal ideation for over a year, and thought about death constantly.

I’ve learned that depression is the ultimate paradox. 

You’re living in a body that fights to survive with a mind trying to die. You feel so lonely, but don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want to see tomorrow, but you want to see the future. You can see the people that love you, but you can’t feel any of that love. You feel so much pain, but yet numb. 

I remember not leaving my bed for days at a time. Doing basic tasks like homework, washing dishes, and even eating—felt almost impossible. 

It got to a point where I lost 20 pounds, and eventually found myself being in a hospital because my mental health got so bad.

I never really wanted to die, but I felt that living was becoming more and more of an unnecessary burden that I did not want to bear.

But that’s the thing…people who die by suicide don’t really want to die—they just want the pain to go away and feel like death is the only way out. 

Fortunately, (and I do consider myself to be one of the lucky ones) I don’t struggle with this thinking anymore. But it took A LOT of work for over a year to get out of it. And if you’re reading this, and you find yourself in a dark place, here are some things I’d like you to keep in mind that helped me.

1. Don’t isolate yourself. You are NEVER alone. 

Here’s an interesting fact: did you know that chronic loneliness can literally kill you? Chronic loneliness and social isolation pose the same health risks as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 

And a depressed person can become more susceptible to suicide in isolation. 

Your mind can be a powerful tool or weapon. Your mind can convince you to have supreme confidence—or it can convince you that you offer no intrinsic value to the world and you’d be better off dead. 

Yes, those are two different extremes—but that is the reality of how much power our minds possess. 

It’s important to surround yourself with people who care about you and who make you feel loved. It can quite literally save your life. It saved mine.

2. The damage suicide has is devastating. 

Suicide may “end” your pain, but it’ll leave irreparable, everlasting pain to everyone around you. 

Now, I don’t say this to place any shame or blame on those who have thoughts of suicide or who have committed suicide. My heart breaks to know that they were experiencing so much pain that they felt that there was no other way. I’m emphasizing the consequences that may not quite be fully understood or considered when someone chooses to do this. 

I remember going to my friend’s memorial service and seeing a sea of people who knew her. They ranged from immediate/extended family members to neighbors to family friends to professors, acquaintances, classmates, sorority sisters, kids she used to babysit, and even exes from previous romantic relationships.

Point is—everyone in your life is impacted. We are all mourning a significant loss forever.

3. Change what you’re consuming. 

I’m mainly calling myself out here to be fair. And I’m not talking about food (although eating good food does help). I’m talking about what you consume on social media. 

I stunted my own growth for so long because of the social media content I was consuming. I was on TikTok and Youtube constantly being fed and recommended sad and depressing videos. It kept me in a dark headspace. 

I had to make a conscious effort to completely change my social media algorithms to where it was feeding me positive motivation.

Social media can be used for good or for bad--choose to use it for good.

4. Attitude of Gratitude IS KEY!

Now, I understand how this may sound like an extremely tone-deaf thing to say to a person who is literally in the darkest moment of their life--trust me, I’ve been there.

However, my attitude of gratitude was a key component of my healing journey. When I fed myself negative thoughts--I thought about negative things. But when I fed myself positive thoughts--I thought about positive things (clearly going to be the next Einstein).

But again, this is much easier said than done. Because if you genuinely believe that you’re worthless, it’s hard to suddenly believe that you're worthy. But I’d say to someone to try their best to understand that is a complete and utter lie.

And if you can’t find anything good to say about yourself—here’s a tip. Call a handful of people who you are close with and simply ask them, “What is your favorite thing about me?” Okay sure, it may feel weird to do this—but sometimes hearing good things from others can help you rediscover your own value to this world. 

I try to make it a daily goal to have a good day. Of course, we don’t always succeed—there will be some bad ones for sure—but trying to have more good days--or even “halfway decent” days—is progress. 

5. Give yourself Grace.

Read that again.  

Showing kindness to yourself is just as important as showing kindness to others.

Showing grace to yourself means actively engaging in the act of forgiving yourself for past mistakes, poor judgment, or harmful and toxic behavior.

This is so crucial because I’ve learned that when you’re in this headspace—your mind feeds you thoughts that are simply not true. 

Self-hatred can occur, negative feelings and thoughts can fester…and as a result, you may begin to question your own intrinsic value to this world.

Be easy on yourself. I’ve found that we’re too hard on ourselves when we’re already trying the best we can in any given situation. 

6. Your struggles will become an inspiration to you and to others.

There’s no reason to be embarrassed by your own story. Quite frankly, it’s what makes you—you.

Although it may feel like this pain will last forever at the moment--it won't. And it’s okay to not be okay. This is something I wished I told my friend, but I didn't even realize this fact at the time because of what I was going through myself. 

Your struggles will become your main source of empowerment. You would have shown yourself that you were capable of overcoming what was once an overwhelming pit of darkness. And once you’ve conquered it, you can now share it as a powerful testimony to others who may be going through similar things.

If you made it this far—I sincerely thank you. Again, I was very hesitant to write about this. But I ultimately decided that this is a topic that must be talked about because people are hurting and don’t know what to do. And I hope this helps at least one person who reads this. And if you’re that one person who is going through a rough time right now—just know that this pain WILL NOT last forever, and your life is worth living. 

Every day, tell yourself, “Just give it one more shot.” With each day, each second, and each breath, you are getting closer and closer to finding your long-awaited happiness and peace.

The Gift of Giving

“It’s not about what you have…it’s about what you do with what you have.”

I was in downtown Cleveland enjoying food at a local bar and speaking with an older couple.

After a pleasant 45-minute conversation, I paid for my food and took my leftovers in a to-go box. 

I walked through downtown Cleveland just going into different places. I went into random buildings, coffee shops, restaurants, bars—did a quick self-tour, and left for the next best thing that caught my attention.

A guy suddenly approaches me.

He was wearing a dirty, dingy white t-shirt, baggy black pants, and his shoes were so worn down that they had a gaping hole on the side that exposed his white socks. He had an unruly, patchy beard, his hands were ashy with calluses, and his eyes were dark and heavy. 

He says, “Excuse me, sir. Do you have any change you can spare?” I said, “I’m sorry, but I honestly don’t carry cash with me.”

He responds by saying, “Please. I’m just so hungry, and I need help buying food because I haven’t eaten anything today.” 

I said, “I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you, but I have nothing to give.” And I began walking away.

But something came over me.

I never was an “overly religious” person, but I think the spirit of God touched me at that moment.

I looked down at my hands and was reminded that I was carrying a box of food that I haven’t eaten from the restaurant I just visited.

No, I didn’t have cash—but that fact was completely irrelevant because I already had what he needed. 

I turned around, walked back, and said, “Excuse me, sir. I don’t have cash, but would you want my box of food?” He asked, “What’s in it?” I said, “Just some wings and fries. I barely ate any of it. I got it from that restaurant over there.” 

I gave him the box and he opened it up.

He looked up at me, and those same dark and heavy eyes...suddenly became a little lighter and brighter.

He smiled and said, “Thank you so much sir. God bless you,” and walked away.

I sat down at a nearby bench and reflected on what just happened. 

Sure, it was a good deed, but there was a bigger lesson.

I genuinely thought I couldn’t help this man because I didn’t have cash. While in actuality, he only wanted cash to get what he needed. But I was so blinded by the initial ask that it didn’t occur to me that I already had what he needed.

It’s because I tend to focus on what I lack instead of what I already have. I often dismiss and overlook my own blessings by underestimating or simply failing to acknowledge my ability to make an impact on people’s lives.

There I was...thinking that I had nothing to give him...when in reality I had everything to give him. 

In times like this, I’m reminded of an MLK quote that I ran across a few years ago. He said, “Not everybody can be famous but everybody can be great because greatness is determined by service. You only need a heart full of grace and a soul generated by love.” 

I strive to embody that. I’m not always successful. In fact, I fail often. But it’s important to try again and again. It’s always worth putting a smile on someone’s face.

I learned that it brings joy to that person and it brings joy to myself as well. 

I want this world to be a better place. A small act of genuine kindness is the first step.

How My Mental Health Struggles Changed Me

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who never cut you.” 

It’s uncomfortable. It’s personal. And honestly, it can even be embarrassing to admit that I struggled mentally and emotionally. I thought that I was “weak” if I struggled. 

I thought it made me “less of a man.” I thought that I was fundamentally incompetent to handle the adversity that life brings. I began to quickly spiral downward and developed feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. 

I’m writing this blog post because I hope that it will help someone. 

I’m not an expert on mental health, nor will I ever claim to be. 

This is me sharing my experiences and telling you what I’m learning from my own mental health struggles, and how it changed me for better and worse. 

This journal entry is an open dialogue with myself and you. There are times when I’m talking with myself and randomly shift to talking to the reader.

I want you to know that you’re not alone and tell myself that it’s okay. It’s a waste of time to be ashamed of our own story.

But here’s the thing: it gets better. 

Not because “time will heal you.” Yes, time can heal, but just because you healed...doesn’t mean you healed right. It’s imperative to take the hard, but necessary steps within that time. 

I want to point out 8 concepts that I’m learning during my mental health struggles.

1. Some relationships will not survive during the healing process.

This was a hard pill to swallow because I’m still trying to make peace with it.

It was always a shock when someone I cared about decided to remove themselves from my life.

I’ve had relationships (or I guess “situationships”) with people as I was trying to work on myself....that DID NOT go well. It flamed out like a match on a cold, windy night. 

It’s not to say no relationships can work if we aren’t fully healed--but I was simply unaware of my own susceptibility to creating a toxic energy within any given relationship at the time.

Because of this, I ruined friendships and even potential romantic relationships.

I pushed people away. I became toxic. I scared people off. I didn’t honor the boundaries that were set. And disregarding someone’s boundaries displays a level of disrespect that should never be tolerated by the other person. Boundaries are to protect one’s identity, peace, and happiness and have nothing to do with limiting the other person’s pleasures. 

I became a negative presence in people’s lives who I cared for. And I was no longer acting in a way that was caring, empathetic, or loving.

I became a person who was unrecognizable to the people that were close to me...and those who wanted to be close to me. I became unrecognizable to myself...all because I did not take the proper time to check myself.

As a result, I lost their trust and eventually, them.

I often wished I met certain people later on in my life...when I was closer to being my best self. The person who they saw isn’t the person who I wanted them to experience. 

But just like sports, each loss is a learning opportunity to grow, get better, and try to prevent making the same mistakes. I had to go back and watch the film.

Not the highlights.

I had to watch all the ugly turnovers. The unnecessary fouls I committed. And all the boneheaded mistakes that could have easily been the difference in the game that was lost. I have to reflect in a way that’s genuine, authentic, and uncomfortable.

And you know you’re doing it right if you cringe and even get embarrassed in your own presence during this time of self-reflection. 

I was preoccupied looking for the right person instead of being the right person. I had to lose myself in order to rediscover my true, magnificent self. 

But it’s important to note that some of my relationships will not survive this process.

2. It isn’t always my fault, but it is always my responsibility.

Like pineapple and pizza…fault and responsibility do not go together.

Our traumas aren’t our fault. 

The way people have hurt us--is not our fault. The pain that we feel isn’t always our fault. But it is our responsibility to own our healing process so we don’t bleed on others who never cut us. 

The reason we have to take responsibility is because of the paradox of trauma. It has the power to destroy, but also the power to transform and empower us in a way that’s beyond measure.  It’s up to me how I allow it to define my life.

It really doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is that a particular relationship ended the way it did. But it is damn sure my responsibility to figure out how to cultivate that pain and learn how to create a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship for myself and the next person who enters my life.

If I’m not careful and diligent--that can happen again. 

3. Relapsing is Normal.

Read that again.

Relapsing is a term typically associated with substance addiction. But relapsing in the context of healing and mental illness is an interesting concept with similar consequences.

We think of relapsing as a negative--which is understandable. We don’t want to resort back to old, toxic behaviors. And I admittedly am guilty of this. 

But I’ve learned to accept it as part of the healing process. Now, this isn’t trying to give myself a “pass” or an “excuse” to take steps backward. But if and when I do--acknowledge the setback and vow to do better next time. 

But be careful to not make this a consistent pattern. I want a trajectory that moves upward.

And there are days when I feel like I’m on top of the world, just to find myself feeling like absolute shit the next day.

That is normal. But we are not defined by our relapses, but rather by our decision to remain in the healing process despite our setbacks. 

The most important thing is to stay the course and be gentle with myself.

But keep that sense of discipline present.

It’s okay. You may have to fight the same battle more than once to win.

4. What I tell myself is EVERYTHING!

In order to find peace with myself, I must have peace of mind.

The most dangerous time for me was a Friday night. Which is weird because it’s a Friday...who’s miserable on a Friday?

I’m supposed to be relaxing, watching some cheesy rom-com movie, as I eat my Lucky Charms.

But Friday nights were always the time when I would get deep in my thoughts. I would overthink things. And when negativity enters the mind, it can multiply like toxic cancer cells until it feels like a fatal brain tumor. 

My thoughts were supported by so much insecurity that they created lies that I believed.

I began to believe that no one cared about me. I thought I would never be successful. I thought that I wasn’t a lovable person.

Then I would look down at my phone and see that I had no text messages or calls from friends or family. So all the negative thoughts I was telling myself became true to me.

When these thoughts exist AND you’re alone—it becomes a poisonous mixture.

I internalized these thoughts and let them change my core makeup as a person

My mental health enhanced my insecurities. And while having insecurities is completely normal, they shouldn’t allow me to lash out in a way that’s toxic and destructive. 

I had to change what I was telling myself. 

Now, this is much easier said than done. Because if you genuinely believe that you’re worthless, it’s hard to suddenly say and believe that you're worthy. 

But YOU ARE and I am.

Your mind should be a blessing, not a curse.

5. I cannot do it alone.

The greatest enemy to personal growth is pride.

It’s an important step to acknowledge that I was struggling mentally and emotionally, but the critical step is to seek help.

Help looks different for everyone.

I’m a big advocate of going to therapy. I think that it is healthy and can be super beneficial to regularly just talk to someone about anything that’s going on in your life.

When I go through some of my mental struggles, I tend to isolate myself. And this is exactly the opposite of what should happen. I must surround myself with unconditional love and support from friends and family.

Then, I can gradually learn to find peace in my own presence. 

6. Suicide is NEVER the Answer.

When I was writing this, I was extremely hesitant to write about suicide. 

It is INCREDIBLY uncomfortable to talk about...But how can I talk about mental health and not talk about it?

And I know for a fact that someone reading this has doubted and questioned their divine, intrinsic value in this world.

That is exactly why I must write about it. 

Suicide may “end” your pain, but it’ll leave irreparable, everlasting pain to everyone around you. 

I don’t want to say that committing suicide is “selfish.” I mean maybe it is...but I just don’t believe that should be the focus point. But rather reminding someone that they are too worthy to take their own life.

I felt that other people’s lives would just be better without me in them.

And no amount of Instagram followers, Facebook likes, or Twitter likes can ever make us feel fully validated and loved. 

Sometimes, our emotional and mental pain can become so overwhelming and dark that it made you contemplate suicide.

I’ve felt that way before. Back in 2018. On the outer surface, I had everything. I was doing two internships in DC, won a scholarship where I got a chance to meet now Vice-President Kamala Harris and was living my dream every day for 9 months.

But I was still miserable.

None of that mattered to me because there was still an empty void and no amount of success could satisfy it.

It made me want to end it all. I just wanted out. It caused me to self-harm. So yes, I’ve been in that headspace.

But never succumb to that thought. And even if you did, it’s okay. You’re still here. But try your best to never do it again. You mean too much to the people around you to see you in pain.

Jordan Peterson reminds us, “Don’t be so sure that your life is yours to take. You have a moral obligation to yourself as a locus of divine value and you can’t treat that casually.”

7. Find Healthy Coping Mechanism 

Now, this isn’t the same as “fake it til you make it” bullshit. That’s terrible advice. 

Because 1) Bottled-up feelings will eventually come out in toxic, destructive ways. 2) Having that mindset enabled me to ignore the obvious problems that I was facing. As a result, I repeated the same behaviors and brought more pain to myself and others I cared about.

There were MANY days I simply did not want to get out of bed. Sleep was my best escape from feeling any emotional and mental pain. And when I wasn’t sleeping, sometimes I’ll drink alcohol to cope. 

Do NOT do this.

I was never a big drinker. I don’t even like it. But I was engaging in the consumption of alcohol a lot more than I was ever accustomed to. And my friends definitely noticed because they knew I rarely drank.

Healthy coping mechanisms are essential because life and your own thoughts will test you, regularly. I had to develop and implement healthy habits that exude a powerful sense of self-love. Loving yourself is an everyday practice that I’ve been abandoning.

But I’m taking it day by day. 

8. Give Yourself Grace

Showing kindness to yourself is just as important as showing kindness to others.

Showing grace to yourself means actively engaging in the act of forgiving yourself for past mistakes, poor judgment, or harmful and toxic behavior.

But nothing changes without repetition--so make forgiving yourself a daily practice to ease the unnecessary burdens weighing you down.

The reason why I spiraled downward so quickly is because I wanted to obtain perfection.

Perfection is unattainable...but yet I’d convince myself that it was. 

And perfection is mainly about perception. But trying to achieve such perception is nothing more than another self-destructive effort since we have no control over how people perceive us. 

The slightest failure led me to engage in negative self-talk that only enhanced my anxiety and harmed my overall mental health. 

But I’m learning to be gentle with myself and know that I’m doing just fine. There’s no need to put extra pressure on myself. 

Giving myself some grace is allowing me to discover a sense of peace, calmness, and a deep self-love.

Well, if you made it this far, Congratulations. That was a lot. 

I’m understanding that there are so many layers to mental illness, and there are a lot more that I didn’t even touch on.

But I hope my story can help someone who is going through a rough patch in their life right now. I have faith that you can make it out. But we have to take the hard, but necessary steps to become our best selves. It’s not easy, but it’s going to be so worth it. 

You will fall in love with the person that you’ll become.

I will fall in love with the person I’ll become too.