“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who never cut you.”
It’s uncomfortable. It’s personal. And honestly, it can even be embarrassing to admit that I struggled mentally and emotionally. I thought that I was “weak” if I struggled.
I thought it made me “less of a man.” I thought that I was fundamentally incompetent to handle the adversity that life brings. I began to quickly spiral downward and developed feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
I’m writing this blog post because I hope that it will help someone.
I’m not an expert on mental health, nor will I ever claim to be.
This is me sharing my experiences and telling you what I’m learning from my own mental health struggles, and how it changed me for better and worse.
This journal entry is an open dialogue with myself and you. There are times when I’m talking with myself and randomly shift to talking to the reader.
I want you to know that you’re not alone and tell myself that it’s okay. It’s a waste of time to be ashamed of our own story.
But here’s the thing: it gets better.
Not because “time will heal you.” Yes, time can heal, but just because you healed...doesn’t mean you healed right. It’s imperative to take the hard, but necessary steps within that time.
I want to point out 8 concepts that I’m learning during my mental health struggles.
Some relationships will not survive during the healing process.
This was a hard pill to swallow because I’m still trying to make peace with it.
It was always a shock when someone I cared about decided to remove themselves from my life.
I’ve had relationships (or I guess “situationships”) with people as I was trying to work on myself....that DID NOT go well. It flamed out like a match on a cold, windy night.
It’s not to say no relationships can work if we aren’t fully healed--but I was simply unaware of my own susceptibility to creating a toxic energy within any given relationship at the time.
Because of this, I ruined friendships and even potential romantic relationships.
I pushed people away. I became toxic. I scared people off. I didn’t honor the boundaries that were set. And disregarding someone’s boundaries displays a level of disrespect that should never be tolerated by the other person. Boundaries are to protect one’s identity, peace, and happiness and have nothing to do with limiting the other person’s pleasures.
I became a negative presence in people’s lives who I cared for. And I was no longer acting in a way that was caring, empathetic, or loving.
I became a person who was unrecognizable to the people that were close to me...and those who wanted to be close to me. I became unrecognizable to myself...all because I did not take the proper time to check myself.
As a result, I lost their trust and eventually, them.
I often wished I met certain people later on in my life...when I was closer to being my best self. The person who they saw isn’t the person who I wanted them to experience.
But just like sports, each loss is a learning opportunity to grow, get better, and try to prevent making the same mistakes. I had to go back and watch the film.
Not the highlights.
I had to watch all the ugly turnovers. The unnecessary fouls I committed. And all the boneheaded mistakes that could have easily been the difference in the game that was lost. I have to reflect in a way that’s genuine, authentic, and uncomfortable.
And you know you’re doing it right if you cringe and even get embarrassed in your own presence during this time of self-reflection.
I was preoccupied looking for the right person instead of being the right person. I had to lose myself in order to rediscover my true, magnificent self.
But it’s important to note that some of my relationships will not survive this process.
2. It isn’t always my fault, but it is always my responsibility.
Like pineapple and pizza…fault and responsibility do not go together.
Our traumas aren’t our fault.
The way people have hurt us--is not our fault. The pain that we feel isn’t always our fault. But it is our responsibility to own our healing process so we don’t bleed on others who never cut us.
The reason we have to take responsibility is because of the paradox of trauma. It has the power to destroy, but also the power to transform and empower us in a way that’s beyond measure. It’s up to me how I allow it to define my life.
It really doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is that a particular relationship ended the way it did. But it is damn sure my responsibility to figure out how to cultivate that pain and learn how to create a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship for myself and the next person who enters my life.
If I’m not careful and diligent--that can happen again.
3. Relapsing is Normal.
Read that again.
Relapsing is a term typically associated with substance addiction. But relapsing in the context of healing and mental illness is an interesting concept with similar consequences.
We think of relapsing as a negative--which is understandable. We don’t want to resort back to old, toxic behaviors. And I admittedly am guilty of this.
But I’ve learned to accept it as part of the healing process. Now, this isn’t trying to give myself a “pass” or an “excuse” to take steps backward. But if and when I do--acknowledge the setback and vow to do better next time.
But be careful to not make this a consistent pattern. I want a trajectory that moves upward.
And there are days when I feel like I’m on top of the world, just to find myself feeling like absolute shit the next day.
That is normal. But we are not defined by our relapses, but rather by our decision to remain in the healing process despite our setbacks.
The most important thing is to stay the course and be gentle with myself.
But keep that sense of discipline present.
It’s okay. You may have to fight the same battle more than once to win.
4. What I tell myself is EVERYTHING!
In order to find peace with myself, I must have peace of mind.
The most dangerous time for me was a Friday night. Which is weird because it’s a Friday...who’s miserable on a Friday?
I’m supposed to be relaxing, watching some cheesy rom-com movie, as I eat my Lucky Charms.
But Friday nights were always the time when I would get deep in my thoughts. I would overthink things. And when negativity enters the mind, it can multiply like toxic cancer cells until it feels like a fatal brain tumor.
My thoughts were supported by so much insecurity that they created lies that I believed.
I began to believe that no one cared about me. I thought I would never be successful. I thought that I wasn’t a lovable person.
Then I would look down at my phone and see that I had no text messages or calls from friends or family. So all the negative thoughts I was telling myself became true to me.
When these thoughts exist AND you’re alone—it becomes a poisonous mixture.
I internalized these thoughts and let them change my core makeup as a person
My mental health enhanced my insecurities. And while having insecurities is completely normal, they shouldn’t allow me to lash out in a way that’s toxic and destructive.
I had to change what I was telling myself.
Now, this is much easier said than done. Because if you genuinely believe that you’re worthless, it’s hard to suddenly say and believe that you're worthy.
But YOU ARE and I am.
Your mind should be a blessing, not a curse.
5. I cannot do it alone.
The greatest enemy to personal growth is pride.
It’s an important step to acknowledge that I was struggling mentally and emotionally, but the critical step is to seek help.
Help looks different for everyone.
I’m a big advocate of going to therapy. I think that it is healthy and can be super beneficial to regularly just talk to someone about anything that’s going on in your life.
When I go through some of my mental struggles, I tend to isolate myself. And this is exactly the opposite of what should happen. I must surround myself with unconditional love and support from friends and family.
Then, I can gradually learn to find peace in my own presence.
6. Suicide is NEVER the Answer.
When I was writing this, I was extremely hesitant to write about suicide.
It is INCREDIBLY uncomfortable to talk about...But how can I talk about mental health and not talk about it?
And I know for a fact that someone reading this has doubted and questioned their divine, intrinsic value in this world.
That is exactly why I must write about it.
Suicide may “end” your pain, but it’ll leave irreparable, everlasting pain to everyone around you.
I don’t want to say that committing suicide is “selfish.” I mean maybe it is...but I just don’t believe that should be the focus point. But rather reminding someone that they are too worthy to take their own life.
I felt that other people’s lives would just be better without me in them.
And no amount of Instagram followers, Facebook likes, or Twitter likes can ever make us feel fully validated and loved.
Sometimes, our emotional and mental pain can become so overwhelming and dark that it made you contemplate suicide.
I’ve felt that way before. Back in 2018. On the outer surface, I had everything. I was doing two internships in DC, won a scholarship where I got a chance to meet now Vice-President Kamala Harris and was living my dream every day for 9 months.
But I was still miserable.
None of that mattered to me because there was still an empty void and no amount of success could satisfy it.
It made me want to end it all. I just wanted out. It caused me to self-harm. So yes, I’ve been in that headspace.
But never succumb to that thought. And even if you did, it’s okay. You’re still here. But try your best to never do it again. You mean too much to the people around you to see you in pain.
Jordan Peterson reminds us, “Don’t be so sure that your life is yours to take. You have a moral obligation to yourself as a locus of divine value and you can’t treat that casually.”
7. Find Healthy Coping Mechanism
Now, this isn’t the same as “fake it til you make it” bullshit. That’s terrible advice.
Because 1) Bottled-up feelings will eventually come out in toxic, destructive ways. 2) Having that mindset enabled me to ignore the obvious problems that I was facing. As a result, I repeated the same behaviors and brought more pain to myself and others I cared about.
There were MANY days I simply did not want to get out of bed. Sleep was my best escape from feeling any emotional and mental pain. And when I wasn’t sleeping, sometimes I’ll drink alcohol to cope.
Do NOT do this.
I was never a big drinker. I don’t even like it. But I was engaging in the consumption of alcohol a lot more than I was ever accustomed to. And my friends definitely noticed because they knew I rarely drank.
Healthy coping mechanisms are essential because life and your own thoughts will test you, regularly. I had to develop and implement healthy habits that exude a powerful sense of self-love. Loving yourself is an everyday practice that I’ve been abandoning.
But I’m taking it day by day.
8. Give Yourself Grace
Showing kindness to yourself is just as important as showing kindness to others.
Showing grace to yourself means actively engaging in the act of forgiving yourself for past mistakes, poor judgment, or harmful and toxic behavior.
But nothing changes without repetition--so make forgiving yourself a daily practice to ease the unnecessary burdens weighing you down.
The reason why I spiraled downward so quickly is because I wanted to obtain perfection.
Perfection is unattainable...but yet I’d convince myself that it was.
And perfection is mainly about perception. But trying to achieve such perception is nothing more than another self-destructive effort since we have no control over how people perceive us.
The slightest failure led me to engage in negative self-talk that only enhanced my anxiety and harmed my overall mental health.
But I’m learning to be gentle with myself and know that I’m doing just fine. There’s no need to put extra pressure on myself.
Giving myself some grace is allowing me to discover a sense of peace, calmness, and a deep self-love.
Well, if you made it this far, Congratulations. That was a lot.
I’m understanding that there are so many layers to mental illness, and there are a lot more that I didn’t even touch on.
But I hope my story can help someone who is going through a rough patch in their life right now. I have faith that you can make it out. But we have to take the hard, but necessary steps to become our best selves. It’s not easy, but it’s going to be so worth it.
You will fall in love with the person that you’ll become.
I will fall in love with the person I’ll become too.