This blog piece is dedicated to my dear friend who took her own life last year. I decided to not use her name out of respect for her family. I think about you often, and hope you’ve finally found peace. Love you, Friend.
“People don’t fake depression, they fake being okay.”
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and it’s been time to have an honest, authentic, and uncomfortable conversation about it.
I’m writing this blog piece because someone reading this either knows someone who died due to suicide, knew someone who was depressed and/or suicidal—or may even be experiencing depression or suicidal ideation right now themselves.
If you are suicidal right now the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number is 988 or You can also get crisis text support via the Crisis Text Line by texting NAMI at 741741. But I’m happy that you’ve decided to give life a chance for another day.
I debated for a while writing solely about suicide. Because talking about a topic like this is incredibly uncomfortable. But here are a few reasons why we must talk about it.
Suicide is the leading cause of death for new mothers in the first year after childbirth. Suicide was the second leading cause of death for people ages 10-14 and 25-34. Research shows that 25% of American adults have considered or attempted suicide.
But this isn’t simply about statistics--this is about life. And last November, I had a friend who died by suicide.
We went to UGA together and shared many journalism classes. We became really good friends, and oftentimes we would just roast each other because we never knew what was going on in class. Some of her greatest qualities were that she was so accepting of others and had such an enthralling and seductive presence that when she spoke—you listened intently.
One semester in college, I remember not seeing her in class for almost two months. She basically disappeared. But then she would randomly appear back as if nothing happened. I never asked about it, because I was just happy to see her again.
Last August, I went to her apartment to eat dinner and watch tv shows. She expressed that her depression was worsening, and we talked about her struggles with borderline personality disorder (BPD), her family life, and how school contributed to such stress.
And she even talked about killing herself.
But here’s the thing…she would always joke about it. She never expressed it in a serious tone. It was almost light-hearted. I know—talking about suicide in a “light-hearted” way…how is that even possible? But that’s honestly the best way I can describe it. So it was always hard to measure how serious she was about it.
I remember seeing a bunch of pills that she had. But even then—I knew she was on different types of medications, so I didn’t think she was purposefully stockpiling to take her own life. I mean…why would you even want to think that way?
November 6, 2021, was the last day I talked to her. We agreed to get together the following weekend, and I was super excited to see her because the last time I saw her was in August.
A few days later, I received a message from one of my former journalism professors saying, “Hey Trey, do you have time to talk?”
He told me that she passed away on November 7th. I remember being in such denial. No…I refuse to believe this. I mean…I was just talking to her. I called her phone and it kept going straight to voicemail.
I froze.
My body went numb with each second I didn’t hear back from her. I felt my body getting hotter and hotter as I began to sweat. I was so confused. Then I became angry. I started shaking. It felt like there were a ton of bricks on my chest as my heart started pounding. I struggled to catch my breath as if I was being suffocated. I couldn’t speak. My vision blurred and I began to cry.
My emotions went from a hostile denial—to an overwhelming, deep, devastating anguish.
For months, I kept asking myself, “What could I have done?” I felt like I failed her as her friend.
Then, my feelings went from shame to guilt as I began to ask myself another question: “Why didn’t she make it…but I did?”
When I had my conversations with her about suicide—it wasn’t always one-sided. I experienced depression for a while, which eventually lead to suicidal ideation for over a year, and thought about death constantly.
I’ve learned that depression is the ultimate paradox.
You’re living in a body that fights to survive with a mind trying to die. You feel so lonely, but don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want to see tomorrow, but you want to see the future. You can see the people that love you, but you can’t feel any of that love. You feel so much pain, but yet numb.
I remember not leaving my bed for days at a time. Doing basic tasks like homework, washing dishes, and even eating—felt almost impossible.
It got to a point where I lost 20 pounds, and eventually found myself being in a hospital because my mental health got so bad.
I never really wanted to die, but I felt that living was becoming more and more of an unnecessary burden that I did not want to bear.
But that’s the thing…people who die by suicide don’t really want to die—they just want the pain to go away and feel like death is the only way out.
Fortunately, (and I do consider myself to be one of the lucky ones) I don’t struggle with this thinking anymore. But it took A LOT of work for over a year to get out of it. And if you’re reading this, and you find yourself in a dark place, here are some things I’d like you to keep in mind that helped me.
Don’t isolate yourself. You are NEVER alone.
Here’s an interesting fact: did you know that chronic loneliness can literally kill you? Chronic loneliness and social isolation pose the same health risks as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
And a depressed person can become more susceptible to suicide in isolation.
Your mind can be a powerful tool or weapon. Your mind can convince you to have supreme confidence—or it can convince you that you offer no intrinsic value to the world and you’d be better off dead.
Yes, those are two different extremes—but that is the reality of how much power our minds possess.
It’s important to surround yourself with people who care about you and who make you feel loved. It can quite literally save your life. It saved mine.
2. The damage suicide has is devastating.
Suicide may “end” your pain, but it’ll leave irreparable, everlasting pain to everyone around you.
Now, I don’t say this to place any shame or blame on those who have thoughts of suicide or who have committed suicide. My heart breaks to know that they were experiencing so much pain that they felt that there was no other way. I’m emphasizing the consequences that may not quite be fully understood or considered when someone chooses to do this.
I remember going to my friend’s memorial service and seeing a sea of people who knew her. They ranged from immediate/extended family members to neighbors to family friends to professors, acquaintances, classmates, sorority sisters, kids she used to babysit, and even exes from previous romantic relationships.
Point is—everyone in your life is impacted. We are all mourning a significant loss forever.
3. Change what you’re consuming.
I’m mainly calling myself out here to be fair. And I’m not talking about food (although eating good food does help). I’m talking about what you consume on social media.
I stunted my own growth for so long because of the social media content I was consuming. I was on TikTok and Youtube constantly being fed and recommended sad and depressing videos. It kept me in a dark headspace.
I had to make a conscious effort to completely change my social media algorithms to where it was feeding me positive motivation.
Social media can be used for good or for bad--choose to use it for good.
4. Attitude of Gratitude IS KEY!
Now, I understand how this may sound like an extremely tone-deaf thing to say to a person who is literally in the darkest moment of their life--trust me, I’ve been there.
However, my attitude of gratitude was a key component of my healing journey. When I fed myself negative thoughts--I thought about negative things. But when I fed myself positive thoughts--I thought about positive things (clearly going to be the next Einstein).
But again, this is much easier said than done. Because if you genuinely believe that you’re worthless, it’s hard to suddenly believe that you're worthy. But I’d say to someone to try their best to understand that is a complete and utter lie.
And if you can’t find anything good to say about yourself—here’s a tip. Call a handful of people who you are close with and simply ask them, “What is your favorite thing about me?” Okay sure, it may feel weird to do this—but sometimes hearing good things from others can help you rediscover your own value to this world.
I try to make it a daily goal to have a good day. Of course, we don’t always succeed—there will be some bad ones for sure—but trying to have more good days--or even “halfway decent” days—is progress.
5. Give yourself Grace.
Read that again.
Showing kindness to yourself is just as important as showing kindness to others.
Showing grace to yourself means actively engaging in the act of forgiving yourself for past mistakes, poor judgment, or harmful and toxic behavior.
This is so crucial because I’ve learned that when you’re in this headspace—your mind feeds you thoughts that are simply not true.
Self-hatred can occur, negative feelings and thoughts can fester…and as a result, you may begin to question your own intrinsic value to this world.
Be easy on yourself. I’ve found that we’re too hard on ourselves when we’re already trying the best we can in any given situation.
6. Your struggles will become an inspiration to you and to others.
There’s no reason to be embarrassed by your own story. Quite frankly, it’s what makes you—you.
Although it may feel like this pain will last forever at the moment--it won't. And it’s okay to not be okay. This is something I wished I told my friend, but I didn't even realize this fact at the time because of what I was going through myself.
Your struggles will become your main source of empowerment. You would have shown yourself that you were capable of overcoming what was once an overwhelming pit of darkness. And once you’ve conquered it, you can now share it as a powerful testimony to others who may be going through similar things.
If you made it this far—I sincerely thank you. Again, I was very hesitant to write about this. But I ultimately decided that this is a topic that must be talked about because people are hurting and don’t know what to do. And I hope this helps at least one person who reads this. And if you’re that one person who is going through a rough time right now—just know that this pain WILL NOT last forever, and your life is worth living.
Every day, tell yourself, “Just give it one more shot.” With each day, each second, and each breath, you are getting closer and closer to finding your long-awaited happiness and peace.